If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
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An hour into this 15 minute recipe and Iβm still dicing onions.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the βMAP flagβ was charged in court as a pedophile
I donβt share cheese on the first date.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
βYou donβt have to try on every outfit on sale, you knowβ, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, hereβs a dozen cupcakes.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
a vitamin for eyes called βvπtaminsβ somebody write that down
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My toddler does this thing when heβs angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldnβt open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervousβ¦
βDid you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.β
βShe told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.β
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesnβt like cheese anymore
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.