[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
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sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
#oldknees
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.