Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done