Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Mhm.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Don’t tell me what to do
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.