Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
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Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Time heals everything 🙂
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs