A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
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*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”