“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Potatoes were such a good idea
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Best spoiler warning ever