*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
You Might Also Like
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.