Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I’m putting together a team
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
no one ever comes back
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
o shit
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Not today. 😅
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago