i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Who does Amazon think I am?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Dead
Alive
Other✔
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down