The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.