ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows