It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
The asteroid..
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Finally
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I can’t wait!