He a real one for that
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[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Yup.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …