[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
respect
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.