If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?