Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
You Might Also Like
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
knights of the ikea table
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”