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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.