I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
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I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Not messing around
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.