My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
this is me
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.