Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
adding to the discourse
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips