If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Holy crap this is wonderful
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Covid like
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy