Double negatives are never not confusing.
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Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
You got this…
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island