People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
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If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Finished stitching this today 😇
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago