ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Nice try, NASA
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.