Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
mathematically impossible
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.