I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate