Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
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#Caturday
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…