She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY