#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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A woman drives into a bar.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Bond. Trauma bond.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent