When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
men, we mow at sunrise.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I forgot how to panic. Help
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.