I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My daily affirmation
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there