Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
The Sun
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France