SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
me
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“I took care of your clown problem.”