LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
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[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Ladies, why y’all do this?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.