(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
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[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
When someone trying to leave me
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish