Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
British websites use biscuits.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad