No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Me too
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
remember
only for emergencies
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number