God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
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inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.