Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character鈥檚 idea, it鈥檚 really just the author praising their own idea.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Not wearing glasses anymore. I鈥檝e seen enough
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Happy thanksgiving!
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 馃槅
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9戮 pounds.
what my roast potatoes see when they鈥檙e in the oven
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese