Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
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Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
And then there were 4