I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
You Might Also Like
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years