I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?