do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
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I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
The asteroid..
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.