*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
So glad we cleared that up
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.