*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.