I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
it must be school picture day
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine