I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
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not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.