[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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Bread puns are on the rise!
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them