My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
#NeverForget
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.